Burly Marine Bill Wesley and his fellow Republicans are sponsoring House Bill 867 to make sure the person using a restroom was born the same biological sex as the legally binding image on the door. It is not clear how they will enforce Bill’s Bill, but given his obsession with other people’s private parts, I feel certain that Bill will personally volunteer to check every person who enters at the Capitol. He’s a marine. He understands duty. Even if it means he has personally stand at the door and grab or stare at the private areas of everyone who walks through the door, Bill will not rest until your safety from the wrong person using your crapper is guaranteed.
Maybe I’m weird, but I personally don’t give a hoot about who is making a 1 or 2 in the stall or urinal next to me. Okay, I care if you’re making a 2 in the urinal, but otherwise, I’m leaving you alone. Should I feel uncomfortable with whoever is in the restroom, like say a creepy Republican legislator, I have the good sense to leave and find another facility or come back later.
But if we’re going to legislate bathrooms in Kentucky, here is what I really want to see in a bill.
- All public restrooms must be stocked with toilet paper that does not rip in the presence of a stern look and can absorb at least six tear drops without disintegrating. Business owners who violate this order will be forced to sit bare bottomed on moist, fine grit sandpaper for an entire business day.
- Restrooms with hand air dryers must be accompanied by towel dispensers. Business owners who violate this law will face 6 hours of being sprayed with a fine mist of unidentified origin and a year’s worth of moist hands.
- Users of public restrooms who poop or pee on the seat without cleaning it off will be sentenced to 1000 hours of community service cleaning portapotties at local music festivals.
- All automatic faucets will have manual overrides to accomodate those of us who are apparently vampires and cannot trigger them.
- All public restrooms will have a can of Lysol for both disinfecting and overcoming the lack of a courtesy flush.
- All urinals shall be separated by what the bill will call “Bill Wesley Dividers”. These are narrow dividing walls that extend above eye level at each urinal to spare macho men the sinful temptation of taking a peak at what you’re packing.
- All bathrooms will be equipped with sensors that detect when someone leaves the restroom without washing their hands. These sensors will trigger signs and alarms outside the restroom to alert others when the person exiting does not wash their hands. Those who do not wash their hands will be forced to watch this mandatory training video.
- All large venues will be required to have twice as many facilities for women as men. This will spare women the indignity of having to go into a men’s room at concerts and sporting events because the line to use the women’s room is seven blocks long.
- Finally, all restrooms will be required to hang this photo of HB 867’s sponsors with this warning sign: WARNING: These individuals may be staring at your privates as you use this restroom. Pee with caution.
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Written by Rob Mattheu. Cross-posted from Blunder Over Louisville. Go there to subscribe for more from Rob!
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