Donald Trump, his FBI Director Kash Patel, his Attorney General Pam Bondi, his Parking Garage Lawyer Alina Habba, assorted Congressional sycophants, and countless rightwing pundits at Fox News and elsewhere want to blame Democrats for the Jeffrey Epstein scandals that keep spiraling out of control. But Trump’s real nemesis is time — as in a time machine.
That’s because his enemies were so intent on Trump’s downfall that they used a time machine to travel back decades just to make Trump look guilty as sin decades later.
Most recently, we discovered from The Wall Street Journal that Donald Trump sent a salacious letter to be included in a collection of birthday wishes Epstein’s girlfriend Ghislaine Maxwell prepared for Epstein’s 50th birthday. You can read the contents of that note here. But the important thing to note is that wasn’t Trump’s fault. Trump’s enemies traveled back in time to 2005 and, realizing what a petty, insecure little man Trump was, cajoled him into contributing a letter. They taunted him with the fact that Harvard Law School professor Alan M. Dershowitz and sexist Leslie Wexner, then Victoria Secret’s CEO had sent letters for the birthday album, too! Big, important men! Trump only sent a birthday greeting because his time-traveling enemies threatened to expose him as a wuss! Not Trump’s fault!
But 2005 was not the first time Trump’s enemies — Democrats, Never Trumpers, decent people, who knows? — used a time machine to force Trump to implicate himself with posterity. They traveled back in time before Trump even became a Republican, to 2002, and made him talk to New York magazine:
Epstein likes to tell people that he’s a loner, a man who’s never touched alcohol or drugs, and one whose nightlife is far from energetic. And yet if you talk to Donald Trump, a different Epstein emerges. “I’ve known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy,” Trump booms from a speakerphone. “He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life.”
These time-traveling mauraders traveled back in time even further than that, to 1992 when a Florida businessman arranged to bring women to “a party” at Mar-a-Lago. The businessman George Houraney told The New York Times in 2019: “At the very first party, I said, ‘Who’s coming tonight? I have 28 girls coming.’ It was him and Epstein…. I said, ‘Donald, this is supposed to be a party with V.I.P.s. You’re telling me it’s you and Epstein?’” See, they made Trump and Epstein do that! Houraney further said that he eventually “pretty much had to ban Jeff from my events [for going after young girls] — Trump didn’t care about that.” That’s because these time travelers forced Trump to have Epstein, who was never an official club member at Mar-a-Lago, to his Palm Beach golf club over and over and over again in the 1990s and 2000s.
The time-traveling malefactors even went back to 1995. Clearly, that’s the only explanation for why Donald Trump was ogling Maria Farmer, who he presumed was 16. Epstein warned Trump: “No, no! She’s not here for you.” Time travel or not, make of that what you will. Farmer reported this encounter to the FBI in 1996 and 2006 before anyone could possibly imagine that a short-fingered vulgarian could possibly become president.
But sure, it’s all the fault of Democrats and stupid MAGA members, as Trump says. And, of course, the time machine.
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